It’s been a week, I haven’t been able to bring myself to talk about any of it. I still don’t know that I can. I haven’t said anything in at least six days that wasn’t directly related to our plans and continuing on. What I have said has been abrasive and frankly angry. I feel bad for treating them this way, but what else can I do at this point. No one would understand if I started pouring out my heart about the grief that is just under the surface.
A week ago I had hopes of a real family, everything that I missed out on. He loved my mother, and he loved me… but that was all a foolish dream. I didn’t know that the man that insisted on my company would kill my father for the excuse of a perceived rejection. It was a lie, a carefully written lie that I had rejected him. The truth is, Lexonal should have killed him for insulting me by rejecting the person I really am. Sure we hammed it up a little, but that IS who I am.
Telk see’s that. He even accepted it. Not that he will for much longer if I keep up the cold shoulder. I’ve barely said two words to him and I know he’s too polite to make me talk to him, but what do I say? “You know that man that you absolutely loathed? Well I actually wanted him in my life because he was my father and I’m pretty upset that he’s dead.” No.
Then the bitch that tried to kill me, and everyone else, just wanders in trying to help us escape, mostly because she needs help too. So now we are stuck with her, and every time I look at her stupid smug face I think about Lexonal and how it’s my fault he’s dead.
Oh and surprise, I have an uncle, who ALSO looks like Lexonal and you know, now I need to explain to him that it’s my fault his brother is dead because I wanted something I’m not allowed to have. Who knew that being born to breed for a race that hates you would be so fucking complicated.
All I have left of my family is a stupid story book and a dumb bear that they gave me when I was a baby. I can’t even bare to look at them right now because it just makes me hurt. I wanted to go back when we met those soldiers. I wanted to ride off and go hurt the asshole that wanted power so badly that he killed for it. I want to shove a blade so far in that he chokes on all that ill gotten power. I want to destroy everything that they’ve so carefully built and grind it under my boot.
Fuck them. Maybe that’s why having Telk’s child appeals, because then I could destroy it from inside, using their own rules. Guess what fuckers, that’s a changeling you just made king. How does it feel?!
I know none of this matters in the grand scheme of things, but I swear to any and all gods that might be paying attention to a reject changeling bastard, that if they try to kill Telk to get rid of Bertolin, I will gut each and every one of them. I don’t care how friendly or how much I enjoy their company, no one is taking another piece from me. No one.
I probably should scratch out that last part. They’d be pissed if they read this after I’m dead. I don’t actually mean it, but it helps me feel less… whatever this is. I meant the part about that fucking elf though, he’s got as long as it takes me to finish this shit with Bertolin and sneak back into the city.